Train journey

I’m sitting on the train on the way to a wedding. My state is gone sh1t-high. Why? I feel AWESOME.

Then I realise.. I’ve just drunk the forbidden elixir.. tea! I’m normally zero caffeine all the way so whenever I do imbibe the stuff it has a really strong stimulant effect. It actually makes me euphoric.

I feel effin invincible now. I wish I could feel like this all the time. Maybe one day I will?

It’s also down to the music I’m listening to. Mr Joe Satriani. I laughed for years at the people at school who were into him. ‘There’s no words!’ I would sneer. Oh my loss, my loss. The melodic stories that man weaves, the build up and release of tension, the energy. Oh my!

Check out:

Surfing with the Alien

Overdriver (starts at 4:13 but worth it)

Revelation (not great audio sorry…but try and listen past it)

There are some fit bitches (give them a chance, remember) women, well girls really, on the train. Must stop peeking at them. I’m giving away my energy. Which leads me to the equation:

Perving at women = giving away your energy

Thanks again to Mr Cook I am now aware of the concept of giving away energy. I think I’ve been leaking  it out for years. Ok ok I’m not saying don’t admire a beautiful woman. But what I’m saying is there’s looking and there’s looking. If you look on her as an object, a thing which you can never attain, or with a  desperate s8xual hunger (think fat man and pie, dog and raw meat) then this builds detachment and resentment. It actually lowers your self esteem. Yes! Perving at women lowers your self esteem.

On the other hand if you look at her and think “Oh she’s fit I fu=cked a girl last year like that” then it builds self esteem. Or If you think “my self esteem is growing all the time, I shall be boning a nice girl like that in no time I daresay” then that’s no problem either.

Sitting on the train I started to get all inside my head. Gross thoughts start to echo away in my subconscious:

“Look at her. Young and beautiful, the world’s her oyster. Bet she never had to struggle to pull”

“You could never have a girl like that and never will”.

And on and on. The usual crap. Thank you subconscious.

Bubbling away down there mind.. but not acknowledged. I was fighting them. Anyway by the time we got to York I was all nicely ‘inside my head’ and neurotic, great. Suddenly I realised I didn’t know if Darlington was before or after York and I panicked I might have typed through it. Quick as a flash I jumped up and without any second thought whatsoever scooted over to the girls and asked them if Darlington was before or after York. I did it so suddenly all the crap emptied out of my head and I just was worried I had to get off the train quick. However after my one-to-one with Wisdom and Suave I now instinctively do four things on all social encounters:

  • stand up straight
  • look in eye
  • smile
  • loud confident voice

Before I even realised what I’d done they were responding to me extremely positively. Because I was a bit embarassed about asking I’d sort of made a joke out of it. They were laughing and had beaming smiles and were talking back to me, completely open and very engaged.I suddenly realised that I was being charming. I didn’t intend to be. It just snuck up on me. I charmed them. My god. I sat back down, now completely out of my head and shocked at how much I’d sunk into my head on the way there. What a neurotic dick I can be.

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