I’m not sure how much of a fuck I now give (often literally)

It was an easy score. She’s 20, Uzbek and sexy – looking like a vampish Kill Bill assassin. Thin, exotic and with a great ass. A fun double date with Tom from Citydaygame, a few text messages and then a second date. That was an hour long walk in the park then a bounce to my apartment. Some LMR but then it was on… super on. This girl just adores fucking. I banged her three times, and for fun frigged her cunt till she screamed and squirted all over my rug. I surreptitiously sniffed it and proved my long-running argument with now disappeared holisticgame, ‘squirt’ is just wee!

The sex was good, but I felt fairly detached. When she went all I could think of was how I could fulfill my weaselly hints that I’d date her by giving her a fair crack to win me over. Within a day she was being a stupid cunt and trying to provoke emotional drama with silly, made-up arguments. It reminded me of how wops: Colombians, Argentinians, Italians and Filipinas in particular live their animalistically colourful lives. Fuelled by their TV addiction and tiny minds their women constantly create drama and gossip so they can enjoy daily hits on their emotional crack-pipe.

She’d started to be a pain, so I ignored her and was scot-free. She’s 20, hot, loves to fuck and I realised I simply don’t care much. I’m far more interested in knuckling down and getting some serious daily work done on DBATS 2. I want to feel the self-satisfaction of productivity (that’s the white-man version of woppy melodrama).

Warsaw is a beautiful city. Life here is so much better than in Newcastle. I stroll the streets each day and just tootle on with my life, coming to a realization:

I’m not sure how much of a shit I actually give anymore, about Game.

Is this a new meta, meta weasel? Do I just need some time off?

I’m not sure it is. In my acclaimed daygame story of Bottom-World Squalor I included a Victorian aphorism: “it costs more to revenge injuries than to bear them”. The last few years haven’t been easy and I wonder if Game has in fact resolved my ‘woman issues’ but not in the way I expected; namely that the hassle, stress, time, expense and emotional instability involved with trying to constantly, regularly fuck new women is not worth the actual reward, which seems to be a fleeting moment of carnality then a ceremonial update of a secret spreadsheet, then a bit of a smug feeling the day after.

When you’re oldish, a natural introvert, an ex-sufferer of Avoidant Personality Syndrome, no better looking than average and don’t have a cunningly engineered social system to milk then getting girls is really fucking difficult.

I don’t really care much about sex anymore. I think this is to do with getting old, AND I WELCOME IT. Life is so much more pleasant now than in my twenties or early thirties, where I’d feel physically ill from lust and slowly become mentally unstable from unresolved sexual frustration. I’m on TrT now, and the funny thing is that my testosterone is probably higher now than it ever was then. I know it is, because I have superhuman recovery ability. However, I’m still just not that bothered about sex. It used to feel like food, or a powerful drug. Now it feels like, meh, taking a shit or something, or going for a coffee. I repeat: this is great! The very last thing I want is to now revert to my earlier condition.

Before the pathetic Game-denialists start crowing there’s an important point to make: the other thing making me not give a shit anymore is the result of doing so much work and actually getting some results. Coming into Game so damaged (and old), I set my targets very low. After all, the lower they are, the easier they are to reach!Unlike some other gamers, I’m not at all motivated by competition with others. I’m internally-referenced. The thought of making a rod for my own back is horrifying.


The initial thing that propelled me: the demons, can be described as this:

  • Fear of not getting married and dying alone
  • Fear of being unable to ever get a hot girl again
  • Haunting belief that attractive women didn’t find me attractive
  • Fear and confusion over a system I didn’t understand.

In a few dozen lays and a good few year work, these are all now resolved. They’re just not there anymore. I have had a rough couple of years, but I’ve clawed myself back, had a few hot girls, improved my inner game and it’s now pretty much done.

I’m not quite there. I’m 7 lays off my lifetime goal. These are quality lays, like non-shame, white-ish HB7’s with a decent lolz story. I know for a fact that if I wanted to I could stack up 15 lays or so over the 3 months of winter in Asia every year for another five years at least, but that doesn’t really count. Seven more, then I’m done. Calling it a day, the Notch-Count Hyena is off my back and I can relax.

I mean, I’ll probably still actually do game, but it’ll be blissful knowing I don’t have to.

I want a girlfriend, preferably after, or close to the end of my notch-gathering. During a recent mini-breakdown I consumed enough Haribo and energy drinks to have hallucinogen-level insights. It’s the Now that matters. Through notch-hunting all I’m doing is making my Now stressful in the hope of acquiring a blip in the future to make up for something that is gone and forgotten in the past. What really would improve my now is two things. First, not doing game. Second, having a girlfriend.

I didn’t mention it much, but from daygame I actually had a long term girlfriend in London. An English (yes, English!) girl 15 years my junior. I liked her. I liked dating her, and I want this experience again. I’m not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I’m not getting all “love women bro”. Look, notches are important. You have to put the demons to rest. Once that’s done, however, what’s the point? The more game you do the more you damage your ability to connect with women, and unless you’re broken, that is the most powerful and rewarding experience.

The extent of faggotry to which I’m capable is quite breathtaking. Hardened PUAs who know me would be sickened to learn how much I enjoyed having scones and tea in quaint cafes with my patootie. Farmhouse lunches in rural artisan compote workshops. Knick-knack hunting in flea markets. Long, made-up stories complete with invented languages, exchanged by text message. I love all that shit. PUAs across the world now shudder, as they sit in their soiled Y-fronts and play their sixth consecutive hour of Call of Duty 4, or sixth consecutive hour of online convincing others that computer games are cultural enrichment.

Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men…. Girlfriends don’t grow on trees, and I’m talking about dating a really bloody nice one. Actually getting the fucker could take a year. And again, Game-denialists take note: I suggest only long-term dating a girl when several conditions are met:

  1. You’ve done enough Game to be able to manipulate women
  2. You understand women, through Red Pill work
  3. You have some understanding of your own mind
  4. You’ve banged enough girls to know with a bit of work you can probably get another one.

I have all of these. All acquired now through five years of nightmare self-development and intermittent game. I know men who settled early, who picked the girl rather than the grind, and are paying for their lack of chops right now. A shark can wear a tweed blazer and a powdered wig and sit having high tea in Claridges, but it’s still a fucking shark!


I’ll probably cover these areas again in a future blog-post, when I possibly completely change my mind.

23 responses to “I’m not sure how much of a fuck I now give (often literally)”

  1. Lightning Jack Avatar
    Lightning Jack

    “When you’re oldish, a natural introvert, an ex-sufferer of Avoidant Personality Syndrome, no better looking than average and don’t have a cunningly engineered social system to milk then getting girls is really fucking difficult.”

    Eerily describes me, although I’d say ‘astronomically improbable’ in my case.

    I think I’m about eight years your junior and I’m already viscerally experiencing what you’re talking about in terms of aging.

    Despite having been on Trt for a couple of months I have almost no sex drive. I flick through tinder seeing all the tits and ass hanging out like live bait and feel nothing but a vague contempt.

    It’s both depressing and liberating, to feel that part of you dying, but to know that your energy will be better spent not chasing what you can’t have.

  2. Good for you. I can relate.

    I’m not sure my journey is over yet, defintitely more concerned with making money – but at it’s best, when you’re on song, the rush is hard to beat.

    I’ll never have any enthusiasm for the grind though.

    And yeah Warsaw is cool!

  3. I’m older and can testify than when you get all of the societal BS out of your system, life changes for the better in too many ways to list. If only I had known 40 years ago, or even 30, or even 20 , or even 10. But I know now and will die with a cleared mind and purified soul. Cheers.

  4. It’s funny, not long ago I commented on another blog is that the real dirty secret of male sexuality is how romantic most of us are when no one’s looking. It’s not just a girl being hot that’s the drug, it’s a hot girl that admires and respects you; you will do the goofiest shit imaginable to keep that going.

    Think about it, you’ll do things that you would never do on your own, and the twisted bit, you’ll enjoy it, it won’t feel like a sacrifice. Like picnics, why the hell am I sitting on the ground eating outside like an animal? Cutie suggested it and I thought it sounded awesome is why and now I’m on the ground eating some salmon croissant thing that I’d never buy on my own and paradoxically having a great time.

    1. There’s nothing paradoxical about sitting on a checked blanket in a park with cutie, eating a salmon vol-au-vent and enjoying it. It’s my idea of bliss.

  5. Don’t know man, I’m 40 and have a sex drive stronger than ever. Can be because I’m in a second tier Ukrainian river-city where I see 9s and 10s all day long?

    1. Have you considered taking Testosterone blockers?

  6. Just tried to buy your book – Lulu doesn’t seem to want to deliver outside the US?

    1. Thanks! Are you sure? I’ve sold the paperback to outside the US recently and not changed any settings. Let me know.

  7. Never underestimate the power of the magic hamster opener

  8. leicester square lothario Avatar
    leicester square lothario

    Glad things have worked out for you, read your stuff for ages man. Its well deserved and long may it continue.

    Live in London and have found it very hard over the last few months. Not getting any results and majorly doubting who I am/what I can be. Thoughts that are popping up all the time, “girls obviously don’t like you” “you’re weird and shy” “she doesn’t see you in that way” “you’re an embarrassment” ” she’s not interested on any level”
    when by chance I have hooked a girl and about to go on a date I’ll think “its all an act, when she knows the real you she’ll leave” etc etc
    Recently there’s also been anger/frustration/hate/sadness occupying my mind when I get rejected or see other guys with attractive girls.
    “The more game you do the more you damage your ability to connect with women”
    This scares me the most.
    I don’t want to hate but feel I’m broken and have seen it happen to a couple of guys. You can sense something’s dead inside and once that lights gone out its hard to recover.
    Not sure what I’m getting at with this post but life isn’t going in the direction I thought it would be by now. Give up and be alone forever or bang prostitutes and feel empty and worthless afterwards? Tough choice
    I should add that I probably have had for longer than I want to admit depression and social anxiety/self esteem issues.
    I’m struggling

    1. If you’re feeling like this then game’s only going to make you worse. Stop and build up your life until you’re happy with everything but your options with women. Job, fitness, hobbies, interests, family, socializing. Start at least 2 new hobbies. Go to meetups. London can be a lonely place. Living a solitary life and trying to fix everything through game: not a good idea.

      1. Thanks bodi I really respect your honesty

    2. Lightning Jack Avatar
      Lightning Jack

      As trite as it sounds you aren’t alone in any of those feelings. I wouldn’t say banging prostitutes leaves you feeling empty and worthless either. There are a lot of monsters but I’ve met some genuinely nice ones and had some decent lays that helped me through very dark days.

      In an imperfect world we can’t always expect perfect solutions to our problems.

    3. Another trite but true thing is that if you are struggling with your game you are probably struggling with other areas of your life (as the responses above have got at). “A man in possession of a fortune is in want of a wife”. Do you have any concrete plans to fix other problem areas? Would the fresh perspective of traveling somewhere other than London help? How do you think you would get on spending three months over winter in Colombia?

  9. This probably sounds like crazy talk in the PUA community but why does it have to be a choice of Game vs. the “Rest of life”? Why not balance Game with other things in life like building a business, taking up a new productive hobby or carrying on with old ones you enjoy, whilst also making a bit of money to pay for your lifestyle (this could crossover with your business of course, but it may mean doing a job you half like for a bit to pay the bills, at least until the business takes off). The only issue I see is having to multi-task which I know from experience is tricky, especially as Game has a habit of taking over your life and removing the willpower to do anything else (which I believe you rather observantly pointed out previously). However, to go on a game binge, then go back to normal reality is a odd way to live, seems pretty unhealthy from a psychological standpoint, it’s all or nothing, the euro-jaunt (or further afield jaunt) then back to living in mums basement which the MPUAs seem to do is the most bizarro example of this way of life. Game revulsion is one side effect of this binging on Game.

    On the girlfriend, sounds quite reasonable to me, most guys who get into pickup don’t want to become mega players banging loads of hotties anyway. Its an idea which gets inculcated by the PUA industry into all the deprived betas (and gammas) in order to make the little hamsters keep running around the wheel buying more books, products and bootcamps. It feeds the industry. Without this idea which is pushed at them you would have no PUA industry (or it would be a small shadow of itself) as the system doesn’t have enough new grist pouring into the mill to keep it running, the money is made by repeat selling to the already converted flock. If they were told “hey raj, you really like that girl you hooked up with right, why don’t you date her”, poor raj would shortly stop feeding the beast. As a side note it does provide hilarity on the streets in that you get some poor dudes who have never got laid trying to somehow hook up with multiple hotties from the street , the phrase “trying to run before they can walk” comes to mind.

    Sounds like youve realised sex on its own is unfulfilling, there is no point going through the {painful} ‘jouney’ of Game just for sex. I posted somewhere on K’s blog a comment along the lines of if you just want sex you might as well go see a high end skilful escort. It sounded like a throwaway joke but I was serious. Truth is a very good hooker would give you better sex than an inexperienced ‘starfish’. Cheaper too, if you add up all the cost of learning Game, not just in PUA products etc., but all the time and energy which could have instead been directed at financially productive activity rather than grinding on the streets. What you can’t buy however is a relationship which offers real affection, this is where the real value in learning Game lies. This relationship doesn’t have to be a full on 1 on 1 traditional ‘girlfriend’ but instead could be an open(ish) LTR which also offers some affection and the opportunity to do all the girlfriend related activities you want.

  10. Lightning Jack Avatar
    Lightning Jack

    IMO ‘balance’ is a nice idea but almost impossible to pull off in reality. Talk to most successful guys and they’ll tell you they needed a wildly unbalanced lifestyle in order to succeed in any given area.

    That’s one of my big problems with game. For guys with average smv (even after lots of self improvement) it seems to require a ‘whole of life’ commitment in order to actually get some hot girls. That’s fine if you have the resources to set up a mobile business, but for the rest of us it’s just not feasible and isn’t worth binning your career over.

    1. Krauser, Torrero, Bodi, Jabba, Jambone – these guys all quit normal 9-5 life and just gamed.

      For example in Krausers book about his game journey, after he quits work and games full time – the adventures and improvement start to happen. Game was pretty much his whole life for the first 2ish years.

      1. Lightning Jack Avatar
        Lightning Jack

        Exactly. For the ‘average’ guy there’s no doubt in my mind – that’s what it takes to turn things around. Personally I’ve abandoned game to focus purely on finances and trying to find some god damned way out of the 9-5 grind. To me it feels utterly futile to burn what little energy I have after work chasing ass.

  11. You gotta post more often – it’s good Sh*&t man. I have long maintained that most people entering game, when it comes down to it, they just want a hot girlfriend they’re into. Each to his own – whatever fits you – follow your bliss. If it’s lots and lots of experiences that make you feel good you go for that, if it’s a girlfriend then go for that. The only thing worse than letting society dictate the course of your life is letting some manosphere blogger/commenter, or PUA’s dictate it.

    If I take one thing away from manosphere/PUAdom it’s that people need to do what feels best for them. Women need to stop feeling the societal/media pressure to be like men and to emulate the seemingly glamorous “Sex in the City” lifestyle, accumulate their condo/BMW, and endless vacations and end up on Tinder at age 38 wanting ‘something serious’ after riding the cock carousel. Why did they ride that carousel ? Why did they follow that path of career ‘You go girl!!’ – is it really what made them happy and what fulfilled them ? Maybe for some but for most = Not likely.

    Likewise for us….lets ask ourselves why we are doing what we’re doing ? Why you aiming for that big house ? Krauser just had some disparaging Twitter comments about living in a big house for a trip which I agree with. Why you want that car? How about the job that makes you miserable? Don’t lie to yourself about why. What is the societal pressure component of those things ? How much of that is genuine desire within yourself ? How much of it is because of what you think it’s gonna take to get a girl?

    Why you wanna screw a lot of girls? FOr your ego ? Why is that – is it that you fear you are now somehow not good enough and that’s gonna make you ‘better’ ? Or is it because of adventure (that’s my choice and it’s hard to balance against the pleasure of a lovable and pleasant to be around girlfriend – that’s a natural war that’s waged within)

  12. Hey ma8t gives us a new story ,good luck and keep plotting along

  13. Hey Bodi,
    Do you still do mushrooms once in a while? I may have the opportunity to try some. Do you still think its such a good idea? I’d be curious about part 2 of your mushroom revelations

    1. Wait for book 2…. lol.

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